The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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