I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize