Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
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I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
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tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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