Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
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You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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