so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
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I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
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I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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