Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
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thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
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The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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