she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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