and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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