Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
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My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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