I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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