I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
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I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
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Someone stole a lamp last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is that strawberry winking at me??
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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