i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We need a shit load of segways right now
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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