do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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