the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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