at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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