she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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