Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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