You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
