hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
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Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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