Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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