You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
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Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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