I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
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he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
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The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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