Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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