I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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