remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
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You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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