No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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