My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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