I think my vagina is haunted
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
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I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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