It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
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Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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