We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
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I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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