I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
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My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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