My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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