Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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