I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
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Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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