Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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