yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
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Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
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We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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