Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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