My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
soo... how was my night?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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