just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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