If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
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True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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