I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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