Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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