My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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