If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
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plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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