just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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