and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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