There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
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There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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