I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
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Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
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Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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