Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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