I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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